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I never like to open pieces by making sweeping statements, unsubstantiated
claims, or sensationalist generalisations, so let me just begin by saying: OH MY
GOD!!! COMPUTERS ARE SO GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!
I don’t mean to suggest that iBooks and VAIOs are planning to exterminate the
human race in the variety of uninteresting ways we already know about, like by
poisoning us with their radiation rays or heating up our crotches to the
temperature of a McDonald’s apple pie.
No, I am talking about something infinitely more sinister. It is my firm belief that,
thanks to the philanthropic efforts of phenomenally wealthy men like Mr. Jobs
and Mr. Gates, every man, woman and teenage tecchie on the planet is soon
going to graduate, summa cum laude, from Coconut University.
That’s right, what I’m suggesting – in a totally non-sensationalist way – is that
computers are turning us all into first-class, A1, full-on, wigged out, boiled
onion fruitcakes. I know this for a fact because (just between you and me) I
have spent a lot of time alone with computers lately, as their hostage, and there
are only so many so-called “advanced interrogation techniques” that the fragile
human mind can stand before it cracks like a duck with a speech impediment.
In fact, so painful has my experience been that I am quite hopeful my case will
be taken up by Amnesty International. Only last month, that little error box that
pops up on Microsoft Word and includes the END NOW button that doesn’t end
anything whatsoever when you click it (repeatedly, and hard) was ranked higher
than waterboarding on the United Nations Official List of Torture Techniques
that are Deemed Totally and Utterly Unacceptable by the International
Community. The movie Rendition was originally set in Silicon Valley.
A friend of mine, who not only sports a goatee but was turned down for a job
by Geek Squad because he was deemed “waaaaay too geeky!” [my itals], tried
to convince me in Starbucks the other day that Bill Gates, the magical Microsoft
miracle-maker, is in fact a secret CIA operative who is paid billions of dollars to
torture human beings on behalf of US interests until they break under the strain
(of trying to actually operate one of his operating systems) and robotically rush
naked out of their homes and offices straight down to the computer store to
purchase the latest version of Windows. “This is the only way the Federal
Government can keep the US economy afloat,” he explained, munching on my
carrot cake.
I told him in no uncertain terms that this was just paranoid nonsense. “You are
a complete maniac!” I shouted, loudly, towards the security cameras that
peppered the walls around us. “Bill Gates is The Messiah! The Messiah, I tell you!
And I want that on the record! You should be arrested for treason! Guards!
Seize him!”
Nevertheless, even though I profoundly disagree with my geek friend’s
treasonous invectives, and think he should be publicly beheaded at the Tower of
London, I remain convinced that computers have evil minds of their own; minds
that are considerably more advanced than yours or mine; minds that spend
much less time thinking about Angelina Jolie’s chest; minds that never ever have
that dream where Osama bin Laden turns out to be a struggling belly dancer
who is forced to work Arab bachelor parties just so he can afford to put his kids
through the London College of Fashion.
What I mean to say is that computers are now sentient beings and we need to
start panicking about their evil plans. How else can we explain the fact that our
machines are clearly getting less advanced? Do you remember, in the old days,
when computers used to work? Do you remember when you didn’t spend your
whole day waiting for antivirus and antispyware programmes to scan your
system to check for threats, thereby rendering it impossible for you to ever
actually use any part of your system? Those were the glory days, when we were
still in charge, when the machines had not yet taken over!
Don’t pretend you haven’t started to notice those random little acts of passive
aggression that your computer now indulges in. The END NOW box that doesn’t
end anything, ever, is only one such example. I’ve got thousands of them. I
mean, what the hell is a Java 2 Platform? And why is Hello! always trying to
connect to a server?
Take a look at this website around you. I built it with my bare hands. You have
no idea how many important, beloved hairs I have lost in the process, or how
many brain cells I have fried trying to hold back the tears when a square box I
have built appears fifty times larger and pentagonal when I publish it. You’ve no
idea how many knuckles and metatarsals I have broken because my machine
freezes and crashes when I try to save something in case my machine freezes or
crashes. You’ve no idea how many respected psychiatrists have topped
themselves after I found their numbers in the phone book and called them,
wheezing, at 4:30am every night for four weeks.
And where, I ask, is all this leading? A good way to predict the future is, of
course, to stay up late and (accompanied only by a family size bag of Wotsits)
watch lots of science fiction movies. Now, I have snacked through several Swiss
Family Robinson size bags of luminous orange things lately, and not to sound
paranoid, but there are five main movie plots that involve computers:
I don’t want to alarm you, but the fact is every single one of these plotlines is
based on actual future events. And that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is
that, come the dawn of nuclear Armageddon, you and I are hardly going to
notice the bombs going off because we’ll be wandering around the sculpted
gardens of our nut farm in dressing gowns and slippers, muttering something
incoherent about Java 2 Platforms.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
ALSO SEE
claims, or sensationalist generalisations, so let me just begin by saying: OH MY
GOD!!! COMPUTERS ARE SO GOING TO KILL US ALL!!!
I don’t mean to suggest that iBooks and VAIOs are planning to exterminate the
human race in the variety of uninteresting ways we already know about, like by
poisoning us with their radiation rays or heating up our crotches to the
temperature of a McDonald’s apple pie.
No, I am talking about something infinitely more sinister. It is my firm belief that,
thanks to the philanthropic efforts of phenomenally wealthy men like Mr. Jobs
and Mr. Gates, every man, woman and teenage tecchie on the planet is soon
going to graduate, summa cum laude, from Coconut University.
That’s right, what I’m suggesting – in a totally non-sensationalist way – is that
computers are turning us all into first-class, A1, full-on, wigged out, boiled
onion fruitcakes. I know this for a fact because (just between you and me) I
have spent a lot of time alone with computers lately, as their hostage, and there
are only so many so-called “advanced interrogation techniques” that the fragile
human mind can stand before it cracks like a duck with a speech impediment.
In fact, so painful has my experience been that I am quite hopeful my case will
be taken up by Amnesty International. Only last month, that little error box that
pops up on Microsoft Word and includes the END NOW button that doesn’t end
anything whatsoever when you click it (repeatedly, and hard) was ranked higher
than waterboarding on the United Nations Official List of Torture Techniques
that are Deemed Totally and Utterly Unacceptable by the International
Community. The movie Rendition was originally set in Silicon Valley.
A friend of mine, who not only sports a goatee but was turned down for a job
by Geek Squad because he was deemed “waaaaay too geeky!” [my itals], tried
to convince me in Starbucks the other day that Bill Gates, the magical Microsoft
miracle-maker, is in fact a secret CIA operative who is paid billions of dollars to
torture human beings on behalf of US interests until they break under the strain
(of trying to actually operate one of his operating systems) and robotically rush
naked out of their homes and offices straight down to the computer store to
purchase the latest version of Windows. “This is the only way the Federal
Government can keep the US economy afloat,” he explained, munching on my
carrot cake.
I told him in no uncertain terms that this was just paranoid nonsense. “You are
a complete maniac!” I shouted, loudly, towards the security cameras that
peppered the walls around us. “Bill Gates is The Messiah! The Messiah, I tell you!
And I want that on the record! You should be arrested for treason! Guards!
Seize him!”
Nevertheless, even though I profoundly disagree with my geek friend’s
treasonous invectives, and think he should be publicly beheaded at the Tower of
London, I remain convinced that computers have evil minds of their own; minds
that are considerably more advanced than yours or mine; minds that spend
much less time thinking about Angelina Jolie’s chest; minds that never ever have
that dream where Osama bin Laden turns out to be a struggling belly dancer
who is forced to work Arab bachelor parties just so he can afford to put his kids
through the London College of Fashion.
What I mean to say is that computers are now sentient beings and we need to
start panicking about their evil plans. How else can we explain the fact that our
machines are clearly getting less advanced? Do you remember, in the old days,
when computers used to work? Do you remember when you didn’t spend your
whole day waiting for antivirus and antispyware programmes to scan your
system to check for threats, thereby rendering it impossible for you to ever
actually use any part of your system? Those were the glory days, when we were
still in charge, when the machines had not yet taken over!
Don’t pretend you haven’t started to notice those random little acts of passive
aggression that your computer now indulges in. The END NOW box that doesn’t
end anything, ever, is only one such example. I’ve got thousands of them. I
mean, what the hell is a Java 2 Platform? And why is Hello! always trying to
connect to a server?
Take a look at this website around you. I built it with my bare hands. You have
no idea how many important, beloved hairs I have lost in the process, or how
many brain cells I have fried trying to hold back the tears when a square box I
have built appears fifty times larger and pentagonal when I publish it. You’ve no
idea how many knuckles and metatarsals I have broken because my machine
freezes and crashes when I try to save something in case my machine freezes or
crashes. You’ve no idea how many respected psychiatrists have topped
themselves after I found their numbers in the phone book and called them,
wheezing, at 4:30am every night for four weeks.
And where, I ask, is all this leading? A good way to predict the future is, of
course, to stay up late and (accompanied only by a family size bag of Wotsits)
watch lots of science fiction movies. Now, I have snacked through several Swiss
Family Robinson size bags of luminous orange things lately, and not to sound
paranoid, but there are five main movie plots that involve computers:
- Computers kill us all slowly after saying things like, “I’m sorry Dave, I’m
afraid I can’t do that,” even if your name is Susan. - Computers start a nuclear war which wipes out most of mankind.
- Computers start a nuclear war which wipes out most of mankind, and then
the Governor of California travels back in time, first to kill you, then to
scare you, then to save you, then to make a bipartisan deal with the
Democrats over biofuel. - A computer does cute, zany things that make you wish it would just spare
you by starting a nuclear war and wiping out most of mankind. - A computer plays Tic-Tac-Toe and comes very close to starting a nuclear
war and wiping out most of mankind.
I don’t want to alarm you, but the fact is every single one of these plotlines is
based on actual future events. And that’s not the worst of it. The worst of it is
that, come the dawn of nuclear Armageddon, you and I are hardly going to
notice the bombs going off because we’ll be wandering around the sculpted
gardens of our nut farm in dressing gowns and slippers, muttering something
incoherent about Java 2 Platforms.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2007
ALSO SEE
This computer hates you
by Dominic Hilton
Thursday, November 15, 2007
Thursday, November 15, 2007
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