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SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 23, 2008

The Week in Review by DOMINIC HILTON
Castro's grave departure, the science of the G-spot, and a
coupla urine stories: all the news you really need to know from
the week gone by.


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 22, 2008

EDITORIAL: Born to Lead! Curve-Crawling with Jacqui Smith
With her potent cocktail of Churchillian foresight and rhetoric,
Britain's Home Secretary this week demonstrated a hitherto
unrecognised political prescience.


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 21, 2008

The 10 Best First-Date Movies
by DOMINIC HILTON & A S H SMYTH
For a surprisingly romantic evening.

Liberty Bellen with ELLEN CHARLES
Racial slurs, Gorilla sex, and indecently tight pants: all the latest
news from North America.


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 20, 2008

10 Tattoos You Should Never Get
by DOMINIC HILTON & A S H SMYTH
The quintessential list of painted no-nos.

Wub: Now Buy Me A Beer by MARC SIDWELL
"Here I am, inventor of a way you can massively boost the
amount of time spent in the pub, but you can't pay me; so
there's no motivation to share my extraordinary insight and
change your life."


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 19, 2008

EDITORIAL: The Future's Bright (but only for the dim)
"When the most criminal durbrain on the street is transformed
into Albert Einstein by a simple surgical procedure, those of us
who have spent decades fine-tuning our second-favourite
organs should look nervously to the immediate future."

'In continental news...' with G. RHYDIAN MORGAN
Sausage protests, Northern ghouls, and French flatulence: all the
essential news from across Europe.

Upholding principles of international law in the Balkans
by SIR HUGH JAFEE, QC
Kosovan independence: as inevitable as the Mexican takeover of
Texas.


MONDAY, FEBRUARY 18, 2008

Asia on my Mind with HIRAN BALASURIYA
Impotent witch-trials, supernatural adolescents, and cloned
Boogers; all the latest news from Asia.

EDITORIAL: Everybody must get stoned
In light of the remarks made by Archbishop Rowan Williams, The
Lizard magazine appeals for greater understanding of its own
internal culture and demands respect for the traditions and laws
of its office.


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 16, 2008

The Week in Review by DOMINIC HILTON
Dolly's boobs, Fonda's "c***", and Israel's "dispriapic" tactics -
all the news you really need to know from the week gone by.

Nude Today with DR. WILLIAM A. LIPSMACKER
This week: Dr. William A. Lipsmacker examines a very dirty tea
towel (by Picasso).


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 15, 2008

The Lizard of Oz with ROB STEERS
Penis chopping, Darth Vader lord mayors, and a florist's
Valentine's rose ban: all the latest news from Australasia and
the Pacific Islands.

Kultur Kolüm mit PROFESSOR HANS KNEESENBOOM-ZEDEYSIE
Herr Professor HKZ dissects Boer kultur on a trip to visit his
South African relatives.


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 14, 2008

Ave Sharia! (But if only the Archbonehead had gone further...)
by DOMINIC HILTON
If Britain is going to adopt sharia law, then there is no reason
why it shouldn't also adopt some of the practices of other
cultures and civilisations - like Aztec penis sacrifice.

Ask Auntie Al-Zawahiri by MARC SIDWELL
The Lizard has unlawfully unearthed a handful of the unanswered
questions left for Al-Qaida's designated agony aunt, Dr. Ayman al-
Zawahiri.

Liberty Bellen with ELLEN CHARLES
Sexless marriages, Naked Cowboys, and Valentine's narcissism:
all the latest news from North America.

My Funny Valentaine - Words For(e) Play by AMY EVANS
Amy Evans waxes lyrical about tongue positions in her hyper-
literary Valentine's kiss.


WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 13, 2008

Emma Answers
The Lizard's new bi-weekly agony aunt dispenses her expert
advice on everything from Anna Karenina in the bedroom to
bestiality in the woods.

Sir Hugh Jafee, QC, lights your ire: Secret Service Surveillance
by SIR HUGH JAFEE, QC
What does the bugging of MPs mean for your civil liberties?
Nothing. Absolutely nothing.

Cool beans! with DON RODRIGO JESUS RODRIGO JESUS
RODRIGO JESUS RODRIGUEZ
Rodent sunscreen, padlocked bars, and helmet-crested duck-
billed dinosaurs: all the latest news from South America.


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 12, 2008

'In continental news...' with G. RHYDIAN MORGAN
Bodybuilder heroes, transvestite bestiality, and Serbian
miniskirts: all the latest news from Europe.

National Scam Month: where do I sign? by A S H SMYTH
A salutary tale of Guinness, water-boarding, and jaw-dropping
credulity.


MONDAY, FEBRUARY 11, 2008

A Very British Weather Report
by DOMINIC HILTON, MARC SIDWELL & A S H SMYTH
Britain must be the only country where everything is basically
great except the weather.

EDITORIAL: The daintiest names in rugby (and some of the
girliest haircuts, too!)
The Lizard celebrates the pretty names and not-so-pretty faces in
professional rugby today.

Asia on my Mind with HIRAN BALASURIYA
Blue roses, stringent drugs laws, and kidnapping for sex: all the
latest news from Asia.


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 9, 2008

The Week in Review by DOMINIC HILTON
Nude air travel, high heel sex, and how Posh Spice is pushing
America towards recession.

Nude Today with DR. WILLIAM A. LIPSMACKER
This week: the all-embracing kouroi at University College, London
(and their strokeable bronze buttocks).


FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 8, 2008

EDITORIAL: Don't ban ice; help melt it
We can negate the dangers of ice skating by doing our best to
accelerate global warming.

The Lizard of Oz with ROB STEERS
Elderly sex workers, dangerous dunnies, and smelly teens: all
the latest news from Australasia and the Pacific Islands.


THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 7, 2008

"Coffee, JFK?" by MARC SIDWELL
Barack Obama is being treated like the house-boy by America’s
media.

EDITORIAL: Jawohl, Jacqui! First booze, then ballet
Britain's Home Secretary sets out to crush culture once and for all.



WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 6, 2008

Did Winston Churchill really exist? by DOMINIC HILTON
A quick history lesson for all teenage numpties.

EDITORIAL: The UK needs more balls
We could pull together as a nation and have all the "no ball
games" signs down by the weekend.

Cool Beans! All the latest news from South America
with DON RODRIGO JESUS RODRIGO JESUS RODRIGO JESUS
RODRIGUEZ
Pussycat dolls, bestial driving offences and surveillance at the
Belcan roundabout.


TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 5, 2008

EDITORIAL: Lewis Hamilton and the black-face of racism
The Lizard condemns the racist abuse from that bunch of filthy
dagos.

The Burkhini Line: Adventures in Brazilian Studies
by A S H SMYTH
How an ancient Muslim text uncovered a surprising cultural trend.


MONDAY, FEBRUARY 4, 2008

In Defence of Smoking
by DOMINIC HILTON, MARC SIDWELL & A S H SMYTH
Three non-smokers on why the smoking ban is a drag.

EDITORIAL: Lolita, 8-year-olds (Dude), and the wisdom of the
corporate crowd
There's no aspect of the Woolworth's 'Lolita beds' scandal that
doesn't leave The Lizard slack-jawed with incredulity.


SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 2, 2008

The Week in Review by DOMINIC HILTON
Boob equality, Doomsday fun and Obama's strippergram: All the
news you need to know from the past week.

Nude Today with DR. WILLIAM A. LIPSMACKER
Poussin's Nymph with Satyrs: the timelessness of manual
pleasure.
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