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Ask Auntie Al-Zawahiri
by MARC SIDWELL
Thursday, February 14, 2008
Using the most up-to-date investigative techniques, The Lizard has hacked into Al-
Sahab’s mail assistant and unearthed a handful of the unanswered questions left
for Al-Qaida’s designated agony aunt, Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri, aka “bin Laden’s
Number Two”.
Attentive readers will not the recurrence of certain themes, but The Lizard cannot
definitively state whether the recipient subjected these to a specific veto.
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Who do you think would win in a fight, Osama bin Laden or Bruce Willis?
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Some of my friends are very narrow-minded about my lifestyle. I wanted to explain
to them the positive side of being a fanatical Islamist. After all, we have lots of
excitement, especially when handling the home-made explosives! So far I have
come up with the following list of what we can offer.
Any other thoughts?
Dear Auntie Ayman,
You are known to the whole world’s media as “Osama bin Laden’s Number Two”. Do
you feel shit about it?
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Who do you think would win in a fight, Osama bin Laden or Girls Aloud?
Dear Auntie Ayman,
About the virgins… that’s quite a lot of disappointing sex to look forward to. And to
be honest, endless sherbet and lush gardens I can take or leave. Any chance I
could maybe just blow off a limb and settle for a couple of second-hand Swedes?
Dear Auntie Ayman,
DOES YOUR AK-47 NEED MORE AMMO?
New, cheap Penis Patch. You'll Be Tight In Any Hatch!
Longer and wider without any extra effort. Be ready to blow your wives away!
[Fwd to Osama – Eds.]
Dear Auntie Ayman,
I understand you’re living in a number of small caves on a timeshare basis. I’ve just
bought a new beach house in Maui. I’m debating whether to keep the old hot tub
and spend the money on extending the sun deck or listen to my girlfriend and
update to one with cupholders for the champagne flutes. I don’t really have a
question, but I thought you’d like to know.
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Some years ago, an American Mining consultant/ contractor with the Nigeria
National Petroleum Corporation, made a numbered time (fixed)deposit for twelve
calendar months, valued $12M.USD (TWELVE MILLION US DOLLARS) in an account.
On maturity, The bank sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got
no reply. Finally his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation
wrote to inform the bank that he died without MAKING A WILL. This is the situation,
and my proposal is that I am looking for a foreigner who will stand in as the next of
kin to beneficiary, and OPEN a Bank Account abroad to facilitate the transfer of this
money. There is no risk at all, and all the paper work for this transaction will be
done by me using my position and connections in the banks in Nigeria.
This business transaction is guaranteed. And the first phase of the transfer will be
($4M.USD) FOUR MILLION DOLLARS as advised by our insider in the bank. If you are
interested, please reply immediately.
Dear Auntie Ayman,
What about Batman? I bet he could beat Osama without even trying.
Dear Auntie Ayman,
I like the dress, but you’ve let the facial hair get out of all control.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Back to the homepage
by MARC SIDWELL
Thursday, February 14, 2008
- Al-Qaida’s media arm, Al-Sahab, announced in December that al-Zawahiri would
take questions from the public posted on Islamic militant Web sites and would
respond “as soon as possible.” More than 900 entries – many with multiple
questions – were posted on the main Islamist Web site until the cutoff date of
Jan. 16. After the deadline, the questions disappeared from that site and no
answers have yet appeared.
Associated Press
Using the most up-to-date investigative techniques, The Lizard has hacked into Al-
Sahab’s mail assistant and unearthed a handful of the unanswered questions left
for Al-Qaida’s designated agony aunt, Dr. Ayman al-Zawahiri, aka “bin Laden’s
Number Two”.
Attentive readers will not the recurrence of certain themes, but The Lizard cannot
definitively state whether the recipient subjected these to a specific veto.
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Who do you think would win in a fight, Osama bin Laden or Bruce Willis?
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Some of my friends are very narrow-minded about my lifestyle. I wanted to explain
to them the positive side of being a fanatical Islamist. After all, we have lots of
excitement, especially when handling the home-made explosives! So far I have
come up with the following list of what we can offer.
- No coffee
- No beer
- No bacon
- No pretty girls
- No dogs
- No adultery
- No music
- No razors
- No pictures, especially of pretty girls
- No gays
- No infidels
- No bikinis, even on ugly girls
- No Jews
- No heads
- No hands
- Burkhas
- Caves
Any other thoughts?
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
You are known to the whole world’s media as “Osama bin Laden’s Number Two”. Do
you feel shit about it?
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Who do you think would win in a fight, Osama bin Laden or Girls Aloud?
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
About the virgins… that’s quite a lot of disappointing sex to look forward to. And to
be honest, endless sherbet and lush gardens I can take or leave. Any chance I
could maybe just blow off a limb and settle for a couple of second-hand Swedes?
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
DOES YOUR AK-47 NEED MORE AMMO?
New, cheap Penis Patch. You'll Be Tight In Any Hatch!
Longer and wider without any extra effort. Be ready to blow your wives away!
[Fwd to Osama – Eds.]
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
I understand you’re living in a number of small caves on a timeshare basis. I’ve just
bought a new beach house in Maui. I’m debating whether to keep the old hot tub
and spend the money on extending the sun deck or listen to my girlfriend and
update to one with cupholders for the champagne flutes. I don’t really have a
question, but I thought you’d like to know.
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
Some years ago, an American Mining consultant/ contractor with the Nigeria
National Petroleum Corporation, made a numbered time (fixed)deposit for twelve
calendar months, valued $12M.USD (TWELVE MILLION US DOLLARS) in an account.
On maturity, The bank sent a routine notification to his forwarding address but got
no reply. Finally his contract employers, the Nigerian National Petroleum Corporation
wrote to inform the bank that he died without MAKING A WILL. This is the situation,
and my proposal is that I am looking for a foreigner who will stand in as the next of
kin to beneficiary, and OPEN a Bank Account abroad to facilitate the transfer of this
money. There is no risk at all, and all the paper work for this transaction will be
done by me using my position and connections in the banks in Nigeria.
This business transaction is guaranteed. And the first phase of the transfer will be
($4M.USD) FOUR MILLION DOLLARS as advised by our insider in the bank. If you are
interested, please reply immediately.
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
What about Batman? I bet he could beat Osama without even trying.
- *
Dear Auntie Ayman,
I like the dress, but you’ve let the facial hair get out of all control.
© lizardmagazine.com, 2008
Back to the homepage
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